Sunday, January 8, 2012

When to fight.


When to fight.

If it means physical battle, fight only in desperate circumstances. To get a black eye or a bloody nose over differences of opinion or a word seems absurd so, run like hell even when you think you can win. I'll discuss the issue in terms of refusing to accept the indignities of life that are thrust upon us by the variety of functionaries we encounter.
Consider this. I was waiting to be approached by a sales person in a local Sears. I stood examining stoves while perhaps 10 feet away four employees were engaged in some sort of discussion. Perhaps they were deciding foreign policy, or the president's plans for health care, but they surely were indifferent to me, insignificant me. In the good old days, I would hate them, fume in silence and passively stand in service of their greater need to solve the problems of the world, but some years ago, I decided against. I walked up to the group and said in authoritative tones, “Have any of you seen a sales person on the floor?” Of course, they wore Sears’s shirts and wore nametags; my sarcastic question was designed to shock them and it did. They stared at me, then one of them stammered, “How can I, how can I help you, sir?” All went well after that.
Or the time I told a waiter what food I wanted. His attention was immediately distracted by another waiter who wanted to know if he had heard the score of a football game. After a brief discussion, my waiter turned to me and said, “Ready to order, sir?” I asked him if his memory problem interfered with the rest of his life. Of course, I smiled disarmingly to take the sting out and to demonstrate I had no hard feelings but he also suddenly remembered what I wanted.
Why do I act this way? I know that when people receive assertiveness training, some of their friends dislike their new behavior and fade away and that has been called a problem. Is it? I knew a man whose friend was often irritable with him and sometimes never contacted him (or responded to calls) for weeks. The man never challenged his friend except to tepidly mention the behavior. His friend responded about how busy he was and that ended the discussion
The man, at my suggestion, entered an assertiveness training program and finally confronted his friend who became very distressed and wanted to know why they weren't friends anymore. The friendship ended and the man understood that such a relationship was not a friendship at all and he was well rid of it. He felt some loss, but he also felt proud of himself.
Perhaps some of you might think the above examples are harsh but if so I disagree. People's disregard (often rudeness) can exist only because we are willing to put up with it. If never challenged they continue their indifference to you and me. Sometimes, albeit it, rarely, the friends truly apologize and work on changing their behavior. Don’t hold your breath.
Lest you think that I am an unregenerate curmudgeon, let me assure you that I always start out with charm. Long ago, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” taught me to find something to praise about people and it gives me great pleasure to do so . . . and I am quite sincere about it. While I read about it far in the past it was only about ten years ago that I began to challenge rudeness and knew it was best to lead with friendship.
Of course, there are occasions when nothing will work. Government officials are tough. Police doing their job are tough unless you can figure a way to get past their professionalism. My cousin was stopped for speeding. The officer said, “Do you know you were ten miles above the limit?” My cousin smiled and said “Yes. I thought in this deserted part of town it might not get me stopped. Obviously I was wrong.” The officer laughed and said he was the first person whoever admitted speeding and accepted the responsibility, and sent my cousin on his way. I look forward to getting stopped so I can use my cousin's tactic.
I almost forgot about when to fight. When you or loved ones, friends, passers bye are in physical danger. But, run if you can.


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